Chiron to Chiron: Double Healing

 Over the past weekend, there was a huge Chiron transit hitting me both ways.

My natal Chiron in Cancer was hit by the Sun in Cancer, and the transiting Chiron in Aries was hitting my Natal Sun in a fire trine.

I enjoyed the new moon weekend, I took care of myself and my body and had some time alone with my baby while my oldest daughter was visiting her family.

Monday comes and we head downtown to meet my other mother and her grandchildren for lunch at the park.

I recently created a community project and was looking for information about how to do it all and finding legit resources for me to grow with.

We get there and talk about the new nonprofit that I created for children and how I wish to start working on a project for a new care center. I told her I didn’t have any ideas from other people because I didn’t know anyone who is doing what I did. She gave me a lot to think over and resources to support me.

As I was on my way home, I felt that I should tell her how much she has impacted my life and how much I appreciate her. If it wasn’t for her speaking on the binding power of religious cycles, I would have been stuck on whether I should leave or stay to please my mother.

I would go on to state how much loss I experienced in the relationship with my mother, which was already hard for me since early on and she insisted that she would be present.

I remember after getting home from the day I saw a tweet from an inspirational coach that spoke on growing up in isolation and how it affected the relationship with the family. The coach said that when a child is in utero or newborn, and the mother doesn’t want the child or is unsure, it shows up at birth as a painful experience that the child lives on with.

Chiron is an example of what she is stating. The child was born, the mother threw him away and Apollo trained him to be a warrior. He also had a wife who helped him heal and she was a nymph.

I replied to her thread stating how my mother told me that she didn’t want to keep me but my father said that I was not going anywhere. It made me feel up and down. After all, she didn’t want to keep me because she was so young with multiple children and he did want to keep me but was not living a life of integrity with women he had children with.

So I was torn seeing both sides of their feelings and mine. I felt like I was a burden to her and I tried to find ways to get away from her so she could get whatever relief she needed that my existence was robbing in her life.

I started doing math on living alone and how much I needed to make to get stable when I was 15 years old. I saved my money as much as possible but I didn’t like full-time working hours when I was 19 years old.

Eventually, I did move out at 21, and back in later out of state, and I found myself feeling like a huge burden on her with my daughter all over again.

To hear my mother say that she doesn’t have to love me hurt. I couldn’t see myself being that way towards my own children because we didn’t have the same conviction about what DIVINE POWER is.

I understand the autonomy that she has been showing in her decisions. I just know that it hurt me how she implied it.

It’s been a deeply emotional experience to share with someone else that my mother is very distant from me and always has been. She assumed that I didn’t need her as much as my sister did because I was not very needy in my emotional reaction to her. But I had been through the loss of my relationship with her at an early age and I was always questioning who my mother was. I had no baby pictures, just from youth, I look very much like my father and I knew my father loved me very much. And since he’s been gone from earth's side since 2022, I’m more diligent about reminding myself that I love myself and I treat myself to love as much as I can.

I held myself back especially with anger because I knew I was unwanted and knew that I could still exist in this life. I counted myself out and accepted less than good because I knew that I was unwanted for some reason. So the idea of a man not wanting me never hurt me, on the surface at least, because my own mother didn’t. That’s always going to bring me perspective on everything in life. But it can stop me from feeling wanted by someone who truly does love me. I can pass up good offers if I’m still stuck on my mother’s words. I have an opportunity to heal and not make this pain my identity anymore because my projects are not about pain. But they are created to support those who support themselves and I am here for them. The same way I am here for me.

Yeah, it was a pain to hear from my mother that she was fed up with children when I arrived or when I saw others taking their mothers for granted but I realized that it wasn’t right but it’s okay. Everything unfolding is justice, poetically speaking.

What is your Chiron sign?